Update: the girlfriend who wrote this post is now my wife. I stirred a few feathers last week when I revisited my article, “4 Things Your Girlfriend Should Know.” To catch you up: I wrote it five years ago; it slipped into an internet black hole and disappeared; I reused part of it for another post; several readers asked where the rest could be found; I found the original draft on my laptop and decided to repost it. Some people accused me of being a chauvinist who thinks women are dumb or don’t deserve rights, and I tossed in some sarcasm to illustrate a point.
Despite the controversy, the piece reached new audiences and circulated widely across the blogosphere. It was largely well received, but there was backlash, which I welcome as part of a healthy discussion. Some women felt my tone insulted them. The article wasn’t originally aimed at women; it was written for men who hear the same complaints from ill-informed women all the time. The core message was simple: lifting heavy things is attractive, whether you’re a Victoria’s Secret model or someone who trains for fun.
Over the weekend my girlfriend and I had a meaningful discussion about all this during our Saturday date night. She’s finishing a doctorate in sports psychology and offered to share her thoughts here. Here is what she wrote.
Unplugged from the Matrix
Women’s fitness is controversial, confusing, and sometimes seems misunderstood. The idea that men and women should do the same basic movements to stay fit is like unplugging from the Matrix—it challenges what we’ve been taught.
For those who don’t know the metaphor, it’s like learning the earth is round after being told it’s flat. Tony’s article about the four things your girlfriend should know is controversial because it unplugs us from the Matrix and asserts that the earth is round.
The strength of the article lies not only in its truth but in the passion and debate it provokes. I applaud Tony, and I especially applaud the readers who responded—those who care about women’s fitness and who are insulted by how the industry sometimes speaks about it.
To those who say “Yuck,” I invite more discussion. What language should the industry use to educate women about health and fitness? Today much of it feels like bullshit—promises of “toned,” “thin,” or longer muscles. Are you insulted by workouts that seem designed to objectify women? By programs like Strippercize, Yoga Booty Ballet, or the Pussycat Dolls Workout? I am. I’m tired of messages that tell us health comes only through narrow, sexualized images.
What has changed for women—how society and the fitness industry view us—has been dramatic since the 1960s. Yet we still lack honest, evidence-based information. We can’t wait for popular culture to hand it to us. We must demand it, seek it out, and speak up when we’re misled.
“Nobody ever taught us.” I’m grateful for Ambition’s blunt honesty. Given the current language used in fitness marketing, how can we expect most American women to respond differently? I agree with the idea that Tony should submit his articles to Shape and Fitness magazines—publications that often promote dubious, flat-earth thinking.
Note: I’ll be making my first cameo in Women’s Health this spring.
There are kinder, more effective ways to unplug women and fitness-ignorant men from the Matrix.
Christine, I agree that Tony, boyfriends, and fitness professionals can reach more people with positive, constructive language—yet that’s a separate topic.
Sweet or sour, women deserve to hear the truth. How that truth is served is up to us. Don’t stay quiet. Influence the information you receive and demand what you deserve.
One of the greatest gifts in my life has been learning from my father, a bodybuilding enthusiast who loved lifting. I’ve always wanted to be strong, to look strong, and to move heavy weights. I’ve never been afraid in the gym, even if some found me intimidating. I know many women are intimidated by lifting—and that’s not their fault; it reflects society and the fitness industry. We can change that through education, communication, and action.
To Lisa V. and to many other women who aren’t intimidated by weights, who crave truth and aren’t afraid to call out BS, keep speaking up. It’s only through writing, dialogue, and critique that we can evolve the fitness industry—and women’s fitness—toward something better.
Regarding the images in Tony’s article: whether you admire Serena Williams or Giselle, pictures of women who weight train matter for women of every shape and size who want to reshape their bodies. There is no such thing as “too muscular” for a woman who trains. If you want to be powerful in the gym, good for you. I celebrate you. You’re healthy, you’re fit, and you feel fabulous. Criticizing muscular women as too masculine is as biased as insisting everyone should look like Victoria’s Secret models.
To Prakash and others frustrated by this topic, don’t give up. We can reshape the industry’s language—if we stay active, speak up, and keep asserting that the earth is round.
There is much more to say, and I’m grateful to those who have unplugged from the American Fitness Matrix that’s often ineffective and insulting. I hope we continue to talk, critique, compare, and kvetch—because that is how we create real change, improve the industry, and become stronger.
